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40 year old virgin

Have you ever sat with a 40 year old man, with nothing to his name but fear?

I have.

And I was there once. But that was when I was twenty. So I’ve had nearly two decades to collect the pieces and heal my traumas, my soul and my connections with others.

I gained the time needed to get an education, a career, RSPs, kids, friendships, relationships, networking, trust and a solid name for myself.

I was one of the lucky ones. I persevered through addiction- because of my son. If I hadn’t had that baby, I might not have fought back so hard. Back from that murky fog of addiction. Nothing matters in that world of addiction but I came through.

And in all honesty, there are days when I sit back and look at the bills, the mess, the fights, the worries and think- fuck- life was easier only worrying about your next hit. You slept wherever. You ate whenever. And worried of nothing but your next high.

But I had parents that pushed for sober me and a son that cried for sober me and I came back.

So when I see people my age still struggling through addiction with hardly no supports, my heart breaks for their future. They still have a future. They could pull it together. But when you look at the $400 you get every two weeks with the cost of gas, food, housing, insurance, clothing, cell phones – how can you imagine anything but just your next hit. It’s easier. It also numbs the pain and makes you feel so wonderful for just that moment.

But that’s all it is. A moment in time for your soul, your future and your loved ones.

He’s a virgin of what he could be. He’s never tapped his full potential in this life. And this tale is to put the energy into him breaking through addiction. To put words to his pain and so even if not knowing, I am there with you. I am sharing your suffering. I am standing beside you, holding the light to your future. It is possible.

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